PDA

View Full Version : Lighten Up Time Again



Gerry Clinchy
01-02-2010, 11:40 AM
Couldn't find the old jokes thread, so had to start a new one:

The Fix

There recently was an article in the St. Petersburg Fl. Times. The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: "How Would You Fix the Economy? I think this guy nailed it!


Dear Mr. President,
Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the "Patriotic Retirement Plan"

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR.. Forty million cars ordered – Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress pay their taxes...

Mr. President, while you're at it, make Congress retire on Social Security and Medicare. I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

K G
01-02-2010, 12:20 PM
How much is 40 million dollars X 1 million people? $40 TRILLION?

Great idea...a bit pricey, though....;-).....'specially by the time the demand for housing spikes the prices again...:D....right, Roger? :p

kg

Evan
01-02-2010, 12:28 PM
How much is 40 million dollars X 1 million people? $40 TRILLION?

kgI missed that part of the equation, Keith. I only see 40 million people X $1 million each. What am I missing?

Evan

YardleyLabs
01-02-2010, 01:40 PM
I missed that part of the equation, Keith. I only see 40 million people X $1 million each. What am I missing?

Evan
As Keith correctly pointed out

40,000,000 x 1,000,000 = 40,000,000,000,000 or $40 trillion. This is about two thirds of the total annual GDP for every country on earth.

K G
01-02-2010, 01:55 PM
40 people X $1 million each equals $40 million.

40 MILLION people X $1 million each equals $40 TRILLION...

kg

Gerry Clinchy
01-02-2010, 01:57 PM
This one went around before ... about a year ago?

However, by modifying the #s a bit ... there might be some viability in such concept. Possibly the most interesting aspect of this version is creating job openings.

dnf777
01-02-2010, 02:06 PM
If the gov't is going to give away anything in hopes of improving our overall condition, why not scholarships to young people who are willing to work for an education, but can't quite afford it? The will reap long-term benefits, as an education is always money well spent. (no pre-law or MBA programs will be included, of course) Plus, educating young people is the best way for the gov't to secure future tax revenues, instead of future welfare liabilities.

Uncle Bill
01-02-2010, 02:18 PM
Speaking of "good ideas" that have been around before... here's one that deserves to be repeated. UB

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?

My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed.

Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete.

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning.

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.

The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening.


Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.

THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell holes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France .


In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.


Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .


I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France , Germany , and Russia .. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well.


I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York


Mexico is also on List 2 Its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security.


Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now.


We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska- which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.


It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.'


Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America .. To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget..


To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.

Thank you and good night."

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

YardleyLabs
01-02-2010, 02:35 PM
You could allocate all US foreign aid to pay down our Iraq war deficit for the next 20 years and still have billions of war debt left unpaid.

Evan
01-02-2010, 09:49 PM
40 people X $1 million each equals $40 million.

40 MILLION people X $1 million each equals $40 TRILLION...

kgGotcha. My head's just swimming from all those zero's.

Evan

Gerry Clinchy
01-10-2010, 09:18 AM
Full Body Scans to Double as Annual Checkups
Solution to Airport Security, Health Care Woes


WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) In what some in the White House are calling a "win/win" solution to the nation's airport security and health care reform problems, starting next month U.S. airports will begin conducting full body scans that will double as annual physical checkups.





President Obama announced the breakthrough solution, telling reporters, "With this all-purpose exam, we will be able to find everything from a hidden weapon to a spot on your lung."

After scanning a passenger, Mr. Obama said, "We will either give you a clean bill of health or wrestle you to the ground."

The President added that instituting the body scan/checkup could ward off some terrorists right from the start, "because a lot of them will balk at the $25 co-pay."

But according to Davis Logsdon, who studies terrorism and health care reform at the University of Minnesota, the body scans may attract more terrorists than they deter: "If there's one complaint that terrorists have about al-Qaeda it's that they have lousy benefits."

ducknwork
01-15-2010, 11:27 AM
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

11. Your cousin is president of the United States





Jeff Foxworthy-----