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ducknwork
03-11-2010, 09:24 AM
I laughed so hard at this...still ROTFLMAO....


Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More
thoughtful silence, this time from him.

Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"

Bubba
03-11-2010, 01:32 PM
OK- my turn

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

Raisin bread regards

Bubba

ducknwork
03-11-2010, 02:32 PM
LOL, no, really. I am actually laughing out loud...

Bubba
03-23-2010, 07:52 PM
OK- one more
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right.... but I'll stick with my Moped !"

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer ! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster ! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari ?" the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, He gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in his mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN !

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!

Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably The old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, "I'm a doctor.... Is there anything I can do for you ?"

The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror ."

Lighten up Francis regards

Bubba

BonMallari
03-23-2010, 08:04 PM
Bubba the other variation/punchline of that Ferrari joke, is two guys standing by the roadside watch the Ferrari roaring by and say " wow that Ferrari must be doin 190 mph" to which the other replies " yes , but did you see the guy on the moped honking his horn looking to pass him"

dnf777
03-23-2010, 08:38 PM
Don't know if this can compete with the Ferrari, but here goes....

A newly divorced middle aged man has got his oars back in the water, and is hitting the scene looking for some good ol' fun. He strikes up a conversation with a much younger, beautiful gal, and lucky for him, they hit it off well.

After a few drinks, chit chat, and a suave invitation, she agrees to go back to his place. Again, things are going well, VERY well, and he starts to undress. As he pulls his shoes and socks off, she recoils and points, "Your feet! What in God's name happended?!"

"oh, don't worry. I had a case of tolio when I was young"

"you mean 'polio' "?

"No, TOLIO, it only affects the toes, but can leave you scarred for life."

Embarrassed, she too starts to undress and move along. As his pants come off, she again recoils, and points at his knees..."what in God's name happened to your knees?"

"oh, when was a little older, I caught the kneesles"

"you mean the measles, right?"

"no, its a contagious disease that affects only the knees"

Now she really feels bad, but is determined to make up for her insensitivities. So they keep peeling down. Not to be naive again, as he drops his boxers, she very kindly and sensitively says, "oh you poor man...let me guess..... small-cox?"

M&K's Retrievers
03-23-2010, 10:36 PM
Don't know if this can compete with the Ferrari, but here goes....

A newly divorced middle aged man has got his oars back in the water, and is hitting the scene looking for some good ol' fun. He strikes up a conversation with a much younger, beautiful gal, and lucky for him, they hit it off well.

After a few drinks, chit chat, and a suave invitation, she agrees to go back to his place. Again, things are going well, VERY well, and he starts to undress. As he pulls his shoes and socks off, she recoils and points, "Your feet! What in God's name happended?!"

"oh, don't worry. I had a case of tolio when I was young"

"you mean 'polio' "?

"No, TOLIO, it only affects the toes, but can leave you scarred for life."

Embarrassed, she too starts to undress and move along. As his pants come off, she again recoils, and points at his knees..."what in God's name happened to your knees?"

"oh, when was a little older, I caught the kneesles"

"you mean the measles, right?"

"no, its a contagious disease that affects only the knees"

Now she really feels bad, but is determined to make up for her insensitivities. So they keep peeling down. Not to be naive again, as he drops his boxers, she very kindly and sensitively says, "oh you poor man...let me guess..... small-cox?"

Must be a doctor joke. You know I had to rag you.:rolleyes:

ducknwork
03-24-2010, 07:24 AM
That's good...

How about this one...I think Bubba might like it...:D:D



My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls.

We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,



' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ........You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
in capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day....You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

Bubba
03-24-2010, 10:17 AM
OK you guys are making me dig deep.

Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find out what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how.


Pick a number from 1-9.


Multiply by 3.


Add 3.


Multiply by 3 again.


Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Mine was "Raiders Of The Lost Ark" - exactly right! So be honest, and do it before you scroll down to see the list below. It's easy and it works.

Now look up your number in the list below...














































1. Gone With The Wind

2. E.T.

3. Beverly Hills Cop

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws

8. Grease

9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. The Godfather

Spooky how that works regards

Bubba

YardleyLabs
03-24-2010, 10:20 AM
My beginning number was 6. I don't think so.....:(:(:(:(:(

((6 * 3) + 3)*3 = 63
6 + 3 = Movie number 9

M&K's Retrievers
03-24-2010, 10:30 AM
My beginning number was 6. I don't think so.....:(:(:(:(:(

((6 * 3) + 3)*3 = 63
6 + 3 = Movie number 9

Doh, Yardley. Their all 9

Franco
03-24-2010, 02:03 PM
http://i716.photobucket.com/albums/ww167/gumboyaya_2009/cid_09C7A61D8D4543B3859BF1A172A0324.jpg (http://s716.photobucket.com/albums/ww167/gumboyaya_2009/?action=view&current=cid_09C7A61D8D4543B3859BF1A172A0324.jpg)

Bubba
03-24-2010, 09:20 PM
Now yer getting it-

here is the latest:

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grand-
mother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the
other kids for a while when he came into the house and
asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people
sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him
the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play
with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in
and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual inter-
course. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to
talk to you.'


Semantics regards

Bubba

Pals
03-24-2010, 10:38 PM
oh wow---I haven't laughed so much in a long time.....you guys are great.

dixidawg
03-25-2010, 10:26 AM
I went down this morning to sign up my dog for welfare.

At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare".

So I explained to her that Molly is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who her daddy is. She expects me to feed her, provide her with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because she is a dog.


So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.


Molly gets her first check Friday.