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Roger Perry
09-23-2010, 10:51 AM
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER








These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget...
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do...
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No...
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Doug Kennedy
09-23-2010, 01:55 PM
Thanks for the laughs, I guess that's why they call it Practicing Law

Gerry Clinchy
09-23-2010, 02:05 PM
This is not a joke ... but a great video ... climbing to the top of a broadcasting transmission tower ... 1768 feet!

They couldn't pay me enough to do this job!

http://video.yahoo.com:80/network/101149635?v=8244494&l=5144241

Gerry Clinchy
09-23-2010, 06:28 PM
paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.


Some examples:

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

3. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

6. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

7. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

10. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

11. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

12. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

13. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

14. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

15. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said , "Implants?"

16. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

17. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America ?

18. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

19. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

20. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

21. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

22. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

23. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

24. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

25. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

26. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

27. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

28. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

29. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

30. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

31. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

32. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

33. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

34. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

ducknwork
09-23-2010, 09:56 PM
That was good, Gerry. I really laughed pretty good at 9 and 29. Especially 9...:p

depittydawg
09-24-2010, 02:23 AM
[QUOTE=/QUOTE]

Good stuff! Thanks

ducknwork
09-24-2010, 06:27 AM
Mexican Words Of T h e Day

1. *Cheese*

The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.

Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese so ugly.

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*

My fren wants 2 become a citizen, but che didn't know how to read, so I, shoulder.

4. *Texas *

When I'm not home, my fren always Texas me, che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece, then che got herpes.

6. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store, but ju went to see sum guy, July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*

I had 2 cars, but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife, but che said chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*

We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

10. *Chicken* *wing*

My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*

My wife caught me in bed with another women. I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*

My wife fell down the stair, so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*

I want to go to the club , but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*

That women has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?