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Thread: Kids Bible Lessons GDG

  1. #1
    Senior Member Cleo Watson's Avatar
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    Default Kids Bible Lessons GDG

    This started my morning off with a big laugh and needed to share, ENJOY
    Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk
    grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face
    and maintain her composure!

    PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU ARE EVEN
    REMOTELY FAMILIAR WITH HOLY SCRIPTURE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS!
    IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED
    QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS
    ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN THEY HAVE NOT BEEN
    RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


    1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF
    CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

    2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS
    JOAN OF ARK NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

    3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY,
    BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT. ( HA HA HA !!!)

    4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
    TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

    5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A
    JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

    6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

    7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED
    BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

    8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES
    WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

    9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

    10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

    11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA.
    THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

    12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
    STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

    13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
    FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL
    TIMES.

    14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

    15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA
    CARTA.

    16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
    JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

    17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

    18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

    19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
    BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY
    SWEAT ALONE.

    20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO
    GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

    21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

    23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

    24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY
    WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

    25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
    A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

  2. #2
    Senior Member lynette's Avatar
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    Default

    I quite like those kids interpretations of the bible..it makes it a little interesting, very funny and there just may be a lot of truth in numbers 3 and 24..
    Very nice.
    beauty fades, but dumb is forever. (Judge Judy)

  3. #3
    Senior Member Page's Avatar
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    Default

    I'm sorry but this is the best.
    10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
    Page

    "Take pride in how far you have come, and have faith in how far you can go!" ~Christian Larson

  4. #4
    Senior Member Juli H's Avatar
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    ROFLMAO - that is the best I have read in a long time!!!!

    How funny!!!!

    Juli
    God answers prayers all the time. Even the ones we don't know we asked. God is Good (always)

    "There are only two ways to live your life.
    One is as though nothing is a miracle.
    The other is as though everything is a miracle."

    - Albert Einstein

  5. #5
    Senior Member dogcommand's Avatar
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    Thanks, I needed a laugh and that sure did it!
    "I love the winning, I can take the losing, but most of all I love to play"

  6. #6
    Senior Member MikeBoley's Avatar
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    Default

    I'm absolutly certain that number 10 was by little bill clinton.
    'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' - Bear Bryant / Alabama

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