The 12 Opossums
The more you know, the funnier it is. I laughed until I had tears running down
my face! You simply must read these observations on the bible! If the story of
Joshua does not make you howl, then you are not alive!
The following is from a lady in Oregon. It is priceless! The Bible explained by
kids - truth has been redefined!
One of our favorite jobs has been leading junior church. We try to do more
than Baby-sit our church's beloved little ankle-biters during their time in
our special junior church facility. We aim to give them a solid background
in biblical history. At the end of each year, we give them pencils and paper
and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. This assignment never
fails to elicit some intriguing responses. In case you're a little foggy on
your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with his
complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I
think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a
light!' and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and
Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't
been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they
were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they
were driven in though, because they didn't have cars
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived
to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah,
who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large
boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some
other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot
roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses
led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent
ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,
bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then
He gave them His top ten commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke,
dance, or covet your neighbor's bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom
that I'm not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about
the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy
One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua, who was the first Bible guy to use spies.
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After
Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had
a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There
were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New
Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a
barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, Close the door! Were you born
in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and
the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas
Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans
on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before
Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands
Any ways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back
to life again. He went up to Heaven, but will be back at the end of the
Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.
There! Now you understand !