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Thread: New Mexico Chile Cook-Off.

  1. #1
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    Default New Mexico Chile Cook-Off.

    If you can read this whole story without laughing, then
    > there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This
    > is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chile
    > cook-off in New Mexico.
    For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know
    > how true this is. They actually have a Chile Cook-off about
    > the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
    > of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza. Judge #3 was an
    > inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting
    > from Springfield , IL .
    >
    > Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
    > judge at a chile
    > cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
    > moment and I happened to be standing there at the
    > judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light
    > truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
    > judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be
    > all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have
    > free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became
    > Judge 3.'
    >
    > Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
    >
    > CHILE # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILE
    >
    > Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
    > kick.
    > Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    > Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this
    > stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
    > Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's
    > the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
    >
    > CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
    > Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
    > tang.
    > Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to
    > be taken
    > seriously.
    > Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
    > I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
    > pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
    > the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
    > they saw the look on my face.
    >
    > CHILE # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILE
    >
    >
    > Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
    > Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
    > Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
    > spill. My nose feels like I ha ve bee n snorting Drano.
    > Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before
    > I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
    > is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
    > sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
    >
    > CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC Judge # 1 -- Black
    > bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    > Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side
    > dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.
    > Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,
    > but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
    > taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me
    > with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look
    > HOT .. just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is
    > chile an aphrodisiac?
    >
    > CHILE # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
    > Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Jalapeno peppers
    > freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    > Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use more
    > tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong
    > statement.
    > Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
    > forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and
    > four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
    > seemed offended when I told her that her chile had given me
    > brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
    > beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
    > burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other
    > judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
    >
    > CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
    > Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bol d vegetarian variety chile.
    > Good balance of spices and peppers.
    > Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
    > onions, garlic. Superb.
    > Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
    > with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I
    > farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
    > No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.
    > Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
    > with a snow cone.
    >
    > CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
    > Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance on
    > canned peppers.
    > Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
    > threw in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I
    > should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He
    > appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
    > uncontrollably.
    > Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
    > the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost
    > sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
    > rushing water. My shirt is covered with chile, which slid
    > unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to
    > match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
    > know what killed me. I've
    > decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw
    > it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
    > I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
    > stomach.
    >
    > CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
    > Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
    > chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
    > existence.
    > Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile.
    > Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
    > when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the
    > chile pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
    > going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
    > reacted to really hot chile?
    > Judge # 3 - No Report
    What its prominence suggest, and what all science confirms is that the dog is a creature of the nose- A. Horowitz.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Boondux's Avatar
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    I have seen this before. It is funny.
    Carrie Carlson

    Carlsons Harley Davidson CGC "Harley"
    and the corginess...
    Ebonwald's Blazing A Trail "Scout" RIP good buddy...
    UKC CH Ebonwald’s Debts Of The Heart "Daphne” (AKC major pointed)

  3. #3
    Senior Member lynette's Avatar
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    OMG...Took me forever to read that...the tears were rolling down my face...That was hilarious
    beauty fades, but dumb is forever. (Judge Judy)

  4. #4
    Member Ron Beck's Avatar
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    Oh sure, Brian, don't give me any credit for sending it to you......................

    r

  5. #5
    Member 30 caliber's Avatar
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    I am from New Mexico and have gotten to see some real reactions to chile from "tourists". That was hilarious. Thanks for sharing.

  6. #6
    Senior Member Richard Finch's Avatar
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    That's good right there!!!





    Richard
    SHOOT EM' IN THE LIPS..........

    HRCH Otter Sloughs Bronze Gander

    www.ducksloughkennel.com

    Romans 8:28

  7. #7
    Senior Member MAGIC's Avatar
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    OMG thats funny, don't care who you are.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ron Beck View Post
    Oh sure, Brian, don't give me any credit for sending it to you......................

    r
    It was indeed the one and only Ron Beck from the great state of Wyomong who sent this to me. I found much too funny not to share it.
    What its prominence suggest, and what all science confirms is that the dog is a creature of the nose- A. Horowitz.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Brian Courser's Avatar
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    Thought I bring this one back. When I first had heard/read it was a Texas cook off but none the less the story is the same. Still regardless of how many times you read it

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