The RetrieverTraining.Net Forums The Retriever Academy
Total Retriever Training with Mike Lardy
Hawkeye Media Gunners Up Tritronics Gun Dog Broker
Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Here's a real OT GDG...

  1. #1
    Senior Member Uncle Bill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Rapid City, SD
    Posts
    4,293

    Default Here's a real OT GDG...

    ...but as you age, this FYI may be important to you. Enjoy the levity.

    UB

    This is from news hound Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal:
    I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
    I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
    The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
    After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
    At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down.
    When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
    I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. (Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.)
    Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
    1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
    2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
    3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
    4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
    5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
    6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
    7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
    8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
    9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

    10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
    11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

    12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
    13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
    When the one you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Tylertown, MS
    Posts
    866

    Default

    UB, I am assuming that you must have just enjoyed the above procedure? I know it has been cold in SD lately, but I'd have thought you would have found other amusements.

    I was sitting in my Urologists exam room awaiting his arrival when his nurse came in to do some prelim work--temp, medicine taken, blood pressure etc. when the thought crossed my aging brain- WHAT WOULD THE DIFFERENCE BE IN YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE BE IF THE NURSE TAKING IT WAS NUDE? Well, she was around 6 months pregnant, so I dismissed the thought. Old men have too much time to have idle thoughts.

    Thinking of you awaiting the insurtation of 1700 feet of refrigerated tube regards, Other Bill
    ________
    Magic
    Last edited by Bill Watson; 08-28-2011 at 11:33 PM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member BHB's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Northern California
    Posts
    917

    Default

    I had my first(and only I might add) colonoscipy done about a year ago. Evidently you're supposed to have one at 50 but I avoided it until the wife threatened me with divorce if I didn't give in.

    The procedure wasn't that bad(because I was asleep, too). Very similar to the above described but without the 2 liters of liquid(some other stuff that didn't have all the liquid). I woke up and then the doc informed me that the scope wasn't long enough. So, I had to go into another room they labeled the x-ray room.

    They put me on a table, stuck a tube in me, filled me up with a little barium, then inserted a long balloon, filled it up with air and proceeded to take pics with the x-ray machine. The table would tilt up and back and I would have to lay on my side, then the other side, then the back, then the front... all while this balloon feels like it is swelled up inside my throat! Now I know how hot dogs feel when they're being roasted on an open fire!

    Finally, a few days later, I meet with the Doc. He says that everything is okay and that my colon is very long so the scope wasn't long enough. I said thanks,(I think). Then a line from "City Slickers" by Jack Palance came to me. Jack says to Billy Crystal,"I crap bigger than you." All I know is that is not what I want on my tombstone.

    You young people think this is gross and funny but I will have the last laugh because sooner or later you will have to go through it, too!

    BHB

  4. #4
    Senior Member 1st retriever's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Rapid City, South Dakota
    Posts
    5,474

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by BHB View Post
    I had my first(and only I might add) colonoscipy done about a year ago. Evidently you're supposed to have one at 50 but I avoided it until the wife threatened me with divorce if I didn't give in.

    The procedure wasn't that bad(because I was asleep, too). Very similar to the above described but without the 2 liters of liquid(some other stuff that didn't have all the liquid). I woke up and then the doc informed me that the scope wasn't long enough. So, I had to go into another room they labeled the x-ray room.

    They put me on a table, stuck a tube in me, filled me up with a little barium, then inserted a long balloon, filled it up with air and proceeded to take pics with the x-ray machine. The table would tilt up and back and I would have to lay on my side, then the other side, then the back, then the front... all while this balloon feels like it is swelled up inside my throat! Now I know how hot dogs feel when they're being roasted on an open fire!

    Finally, a few days later, I meet with the Doc. He says that everything is okay and that my colon is very long so the scope wasn't long enough. I said thanks,(I think). Then a line from "City Slickers" by Jack Palance came to me. Jack says to Billy Crystal,"I crap bigger than you." All I know is that is not what I want on my tombstone.

    You young people think this is gross and funny but I will have the last laugh because sooner or later you will have to go through it, too!

    BHB
    Well now aren't you lucky!!! You should feel special! lol I can give you a hard time cuz I is only 25!!! Just kidding!
    Steph

    Brittany - Border Collie/Springer Spaniel CGC
    Meka- Basset/Aussie
    Zoe's Taller N Me - Zoe Irish Wolfhound 9/04/2004 - 11/20/2013 I love you Big Girl!
    Ember Raise The Bar CGC - Corona (a fluffy)
    CH. Justa Gingersnap CGC - Ginger Shiba Inu

    A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend pees their pants laughing and trips you again!

  5. #5
    Senior Member Uncle Bill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Location
    Rapid City, SD
    Posts
    4,293

    Default

    For all the 'younguns'...here's a new selection of updated geezer songs. It's been fun to have lived through a generation of 'music' makers, rather than a batch of break-dancers. I wonder what their geezer years will be like for reminiscing? Enjoy.

    UB

    Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
    Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker .
    Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From My Depends.
    The Bee Gees -- - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
    Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
    Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
    Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver.
    The Commodores --- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
    Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
    Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
    Leo Sayer --- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
    The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
    Abba--- Denture Queen.
    Tony Orlando --Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
    Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
    Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
    And Last but NOT least Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
    When the one you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure.

  6. #6
    Senior Member 1st retriever's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Rapid City, South Dakota
    Posts
    5,474

    Default

    Good one UB!!!
    Steph

    Brittany - Border Collie/Springer Spaniel CGC
    Meka- Basset/Aussie
    Zoe's Taller N Me - Zoe Irish Wolfhound 9/04/2004 - 11/20/2013 I love you Big Girl!
    Ember Raise The Bar CGC - Corona (a fluffy)
    CH. Justa Gingersnap CGC - Ginger Shiba Inu

    A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend pees their pants laughing and trips you again!

  7. #7
    Senior Member Sharon Potter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Wisconsin Rapids, WI
    Posts
    2,691

    Default

    OK, that's the last straw. I have officially decided that I will NOT turn 50 this year...in fact, I've decided to start deducting a year on each birthday.
    Sharon Potter

    www.redbranchkennels.net

    Chesapeake Bay Retrievers...too many to list.

    Team Huntsmith

  8. #8
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2006
    Location
    Pac NW
    Posts
    4,057

    Default

    What do you say when the doctor says, Come back in 3 years?
    __________________________

    Marvin S

    Everyone's friend is No One's friend

    Someday your life will flash before your eyes. It's your responsibility to make sure it's worth watching!

  9. #9
    Senior Member YardleyLabs's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Yardley, PA
    Posts
    6,639

    Default

    Because of a case of acid reflux that began when I was ten (accompanied by a neat phenomenon called Barre's Esopagus), I get the pleasure of a colonoscopy and an endoscopy every 2-3 years. For those who don't know, the first is bottom up and the second is top down. All I can ever think as I'm fading into drug induced euphoria is "Please, Doc, don't get the tubes mixed up!" And my kids wonder why I keep ignoring the cards from my endocrinologist and haven't yet scheduled my exam for this year.

  10. #10
    Senior Member jeff t.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    North Carolina
    Posts
    2,718

    Default

    The prep is a drag, but it passes.

    The procedure is not a big deal at all.
    Jeff Telander
    Durham, NC

    FC AFC CT Broad Reach Devil Made Me Doit "Sinner"

    Forever in my heart
    OTCh Broad Reach Diesel TD MH UDX2***
    CH Broad Reach Gripper UD MH
    OTCh R Labs Darth Wader TD JH
    OTCh Teracroft Topaz TD JH

Similar Threads

  1. Death of a real hero GDG
    By Bob Gutermuth in forum RTF - Retriever Training Forum
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 07-18-2009, 05:52 AM
  2. GDG: Any real estate attorneys on here?
    By Kristie Wilder in forum RTF - Retriever Training Forum
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 07-01-2009, 05:38 PM
  3. Is McCane the real terriosts gdg
    By Oregon Lab Lover in forum RTF - Retriever Training Forum
    Replies: 48
    Last Post: 11-03-2008, 03:36 PM
  4. Finallly a real race GDG
    By duk4me in forum RTF - Retriever Training Forum
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 10-22-2008, 03:06 PM
  5. A Real NFL Pro! gdg
    By Franco in forum RTF - Retriever Training Forum
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 05-12-2007, 07:33 PM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •