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Thread: On the Light Side ... Political Jokes

  1. #1
    Senior Member Gerry Clinchy's Avatar
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    Default On the Light Side ... Political Jokes

    I thought it could be a little fun to pass along the political jokes we all surely get in our email.

    I thought this one was pretty good:
    ---------------

    No nativity scene in Washington this year!

    The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the
    United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason.

    They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's
    Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues.

    There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
    G.Clinchy@gmail.com
    "Know in your heart that all things are possible. We couldn't conceive of a miracle if none ever happened." -Libby Fudim

    ​I don't use the PM feature, so just email me direct at the address shown above.

  2. #2
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    THE NEW HEALTH COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL:

    The phone rings and the lady of the house answers.

    "Hello?"

    "Mrs. Sanders, please."

    "Speaking."

    "Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

    "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

    "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

    "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

    "Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

    ''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

    "The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
    ________
    FIX PS3
    Last edited by ducknwork; 04-21-2011 at 07:03 PM.

  3. #3
    Senior Member TXduckdog's Avatar
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    A cowboy from Texas attends a social function where Barack Obama is trying to gather more support for his Health Plan. Once he discovers the cowboy is from President Bush’s home area, he starts to belittle him by talking in a southern drawl and single syllable words.

    As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

    Obama stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

    "Well Sir," the cowboy replies, "circle flies hang around ranches.
    They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    "Oh," Obama replies as he goes back to rambling. But, a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?"

    "No, Sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their President a horse's ass."

    "That's a good thing," Obama responds and begins rambling on once more.

    After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Tex as drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though."
    Train the dog, the ribbons will take care of themselves.

  4. #4
    Senior Member Gerry Clinchy's Avatar
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    Driving down my local road yesterday, one house had a Halloween display.

    Out in front was a "graveyard". One of the tombstones had on it: "Obama Voter"

    Was only paying casual attention, so didn't catch what the other tombstones said. Surely didn't expect a political statement on a Hallloween display!

    Wonder if the homeowner was an O voter or for "the opposition"?
    G.Clinchy@gmail.com
    "Know in your heart that all things are possible. We couldn't conceive of a miracle if none ever happened." -Libby Fudim

    ​I don't use the PM feature, so just email me direct at the address shown above.

  5. #5
    Senior Member Evan's Avatar
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    America
    A Cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
    pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him
    out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
    and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
    exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me
    a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
    grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car,

    1. whips out his Dell notebook computer,
    • connectsit to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone,
    • surfs to a NASA page on theInternet,
    • where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on hislocation
    • which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans thearea in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
    • The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
    • andexports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
    • Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the imagehas been processed and the data stored.
    • He then accesses an MS-SQLdatabase through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on hisBlackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
    • Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer,
    • turns to the cowboy and says, "Youhave exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

      "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

      He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
      amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

      Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
      your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

      The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
      not?"

      "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

      "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

      "No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
    • "You showed up here eventhough nobody called you;
    • you want to get paid for an answer I alreadyknew,
    • to a question I never asked.
    • You used millions of dollars worth ofequipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are;
    • and youdon't know a thing about how working people make a living -
    • or aboutcows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep...

      Now give me back my dog.

    Evan
    "Prepare your dog in such a manner that the work he is normally called upon to do under-whelms him, not overwhelms him." ~ Evan Graham

    “People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.”

    ― George Bernard Shaw


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  6. #6
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    I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.


    The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.


    'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
    The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
    'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.
    Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.


    I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,
    'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
    'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.


    Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck,

    but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, 'Ass Hole!'

    Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, the President of the United States."
    ________
    Ffm homemade
    Last edited by ducknwork; 04-21-2011 at 07:10 PM.

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    Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

    The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.


    The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

    Curtis & Leroy replied, ?Well, then just give us our money back."

    The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

    They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

    The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

    Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

    The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

    Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

    A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly
    grocery store and asked.

    "What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

    They said, "We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

    Leroy said, "Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made

    a profit of $898."

    The farmer said, "My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

    Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we
    gave him his two dollars back."

    Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

    They're overseeing the Bailout Program.
    ________
    Avandia lawsuit information
    Last edited by ducknwork; 04-21-2011 at 07:11 PM.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Gerry Clinchy's Avatar
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    Breaking news!
    > * **Obama wins the Heisman Trophy after watching a college football
    > game!!!*


    Sorry for having some of these partisan ... but it is the norm that a sitting Pres usually ends up being the butt of lots of comedy ... just goes with the territory.
    G.Clinchy@gmail.com
    "Know in your heart that all things are possible. We couldn't conceive of a miracle if none ever happened." -Libby Fudim

    ​I don't use the PM feature, so just email me direct at the address shown above.

  9. #9
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    A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he
    noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and
    asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

    The man thought for a moment, then replied, "A martini please."

    The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had
    ever had.

    The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

    The man answered "Oh, about 164."

    The robot then proceeded to discuss the Theory of Relativity, inter-steller
    space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.

    The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a
    different tack. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and
    asked what he would have?

    "A martini please."

    Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ sir?"

    This time the man answered, "Oh about 100." So the robot started discussing
    NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers
    to do this weekend.

    The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.
    Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"

    This time the man drawled out, "Uh... 'bout 50."

    The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    ...

    "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?????"
    ________
    MARIJUANA MEDICAL
    Last edited by ducknwork; 04-21-2011 at 07:15 PM.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Gerry Clinchy's Avatar
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    Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

    * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
    * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
    * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
    * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
    * If you buy a car, it will go to Japan .
    * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
    * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

    Instead, keep the money in America by:
    1 spending it at yard sales, or
    2 going to ball games, or
    3 spending it on prostitutes, or
    4 beer or
    5 tattoos.

    (These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)

    ***
    So- go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you meet at a yard sale, and drink beer!
    G.Clinchy@gmail.com
    "Know in your heart that all things are possible. We couldn't conceive of a miracle if none ever happened." -Libby Fudim

    ​I don't use the PM feature, so just email me direct at the address shown above.

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