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Thread: Joke of the day...

  1. #1
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    Talking Joke of the day...

    One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a
    living.. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman,
    salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
    However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher
    prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay...my father's an exotic
    dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and
    they put money in his underwear.
    Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay
    with him all night for money.'
    The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
    children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him,
    'Is that really true about your father?'
    'No', the boy said, 'He actually works for the Democratic National Committee and
    helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I was too embarrassed
    to say that in front of the class.'

  2. #2
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    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....

    ______________________________

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
    I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
    'No,' she answered. I then said,
    'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
    So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
    And that's when the fight started...

    ________________________________

    I took my wife to a restaurant.
    The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
    "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
    He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
    "Nah, she can order for herself."
    And that's when the fight started.....

    ________________________________

    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
    kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, "Do you know him?"
    "Yes", she sighed,
    "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
    split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
    "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
    that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
    care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
    important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
    snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
    a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
    when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
    cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    ________________________________

    My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
    She asked, "What's on TV?"
    I said, "Dust."
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
    slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
    proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
    pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
    weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
    undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
    different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
    My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
    And that's how the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
    I bought her a bathroom scale.
    And then the fight started......

    ________________________________

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
    I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
    I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
    The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
    So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
    She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
    processed my Social Security application..
    When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
    She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
    And then the fight started...

    ________________________________

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started........

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    Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.


    Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'



    The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'


    Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'


    The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.




    Gibson was satisfied.


    Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'


    The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments.


    He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'


    The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U. S. Marine, what is your final wish?


    'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine...


    'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'


    'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.


    So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.


    The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.


    In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.


    In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.


    As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'


    'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor... ...?'

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    Just for you, Roger, from your fav.

    UB


    After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
    So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

    370H-SSV-0773H

    This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
    So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
    They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
    Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House..
    They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
    Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
    They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
    A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
    All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
    After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

    George Bush chuckled and replied: "You must be holding it upside down!"
    When the one you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure.

  6. #6
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    Let me also add one of my favorite Maxine's:

    UB

    After thinking about the upcoming Universal Health Care Program, I think I have found the solution.
    I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care.
    A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore..
    You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc.. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

    So here is the solution.
    When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets.
    You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives.
    Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart?
    Well bring it on.
    And who will be paying for all of this?
    The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care.
    With all the seniors gathered there , it will be just like a nursing home-- only free.
    And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.
    When the one you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Uncle Bill View Post
    Just for you, Roger, from your fav.

    UB


    After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.
    So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

    370H-SSV-0773H

    This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.
    So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.
    They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
    Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House..
    They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
    Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.
    They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.
    A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.
    All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
    After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

    George Bush chuckled and replied: "You must be holding it upside down!"
    Funny thing, seems like you took an old Bush joke and inserted Obama's name.

  8. #8
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  9. #9
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    Bush discovers girl with kittens
    George W. Bush and a secret service agent are taking a stroll when they come upon a little girl carrying a basket with a blanket over it. Curious, Bush asks the girl, "What's in the basket?"
    She replies, "New baby kittens," and she opens the basket to show him.
    "How nice," says Bush. "What kind are they?"
    The little girl says, "Republicans."
    Bush smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on.
    Three weeks later, Bush is taking another stroll, this time with Karl Rove. They see the little girl again with the same basket. Bush says, "Watch this, Karl? It's really cute." They approach the little girl.
    Bush greets her and asks how the kittens are doing, and she says, "Fine." Then, smirking, he nudges Rove with his elbow and asks the little girl, "And can you tell us what kind of kittens they are?"
    She replies, "Democrats."
    Aghast, Bush says, "But three weeks ago you said they were Republicans!"
    "I know," she says. "But now their eyes are open."

  10. #10
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    Ok, not politics related....


    A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
    'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

    Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
    He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
    He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

    He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

    'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?
    And why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks.

    'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
    I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.
    I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are not getting any milk.'

    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat halfway across the kitchen.

    The little boy looks up at his mother with a big smirk and says, 'OK, Are you going to tell him, or should I?'

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