Russians Declare Election Too Chaotic For Them To Successfully Interfere
MOSCOW—The Russians were excited once again for a U.S. presidential election in which they could interfere to sow division and discord, but their excitement soon turned to dismay when they found an election already too chaotic for them to follow.
“Everyone is ready to tear each other apart in the Democratic primary,” commented Aleksei Teplov, a Russian hacker. “It seems like if we tried to add any more chaos, it would just be a drop in the ocean.”
Teplov described how anytime they tried to get people to turn against each other, it was always overshadowed by a grassroots campaign to do the same thing. “And then there’s Trump,” Teplov added. “I mean, the guy is already so unpredictable. I feel like I’m trying to smash things with a sledgehammer while a tornado is around me ripping up buildings.”
Evil leader of Russia and interferer of elections, Vladamir Putin, agreed. “In our wildest ambitions, we never would have tried to get a straight out Communist to win the nomination in a major U.S. party,” Putin said. “I don’t know how we’re supposed to interfere and add to that.” Putin hung his head sadly. “It’s like people don’t even need a Russia anymore.”